Okay NBN, it sounds stupid but Ariana Grande losing her grandpa at 21 made me think about losing poppy at 15.
This has half to do with the fact that I start school soon and he’s not even here for it. I want to share this with NBN because you get to see all the great things and HE is the greatest thing. Besides. He is the man I was named after. We wouldn’t be here at NBN without him. I could’ve been a Susan… Yikes.
I’ve avoided writing down everything I love about him for 3 years or so. That means a lot of things are blurry by now but I’m just pretty sure that it’s time.
My poppy was crazy. He had health issue upon health issue upon health issue and he would still watch me play tennis from the Buick any chance he got. He came to every single event he could.
The Fourth of July before he died we got to spend together. I fell off my horse that day and he told me that it was okay and I looked cool falling off. That night when we shot off fireworks I got to hold his hand the whole time. That was the thing about poppy. He has the biggest hands. He could completely envelop my two little hands in his one.
When my poppy was dying we just knew. He was in the hospital for a long time and he was supposed to die many many years before because of heart problems. My mom was with him the last night that he was really conscious and I had her let him know that I won my tennis match that week… I don’t think I ever stopped telling him when I won my tennis matches.
The day my poppy died I was at my dads house. I was really mad at him that day because that morning he told me that “it might be it, today might be the day”. I didn’t believe him or didn’t want to, I can’t really remember which anymore. My dad left for work and then came back and my heart fell to my butt because I thought he might have come back with bad news. He hadn’t. He had just forgotten something. He left again. 20 minutes passed and there dad is again… Walking through the door. I don’t remember what dad said to me because I was already crying when he walked in. I already knew.
To this day I can’t tell if I regret not ever going to see my poppy in the hospital. I can’t decide if it’s better that I never saw him there because I got to see him when he was healthier or worse that I never did because I never got to say good bye.
I don’t remember much about the visitation. I know a lot of people showed up. Poppy had a lot of friends. A lot of loud friends, it was great. It was a visitation he could’ve stuck around for. Everyone was talking and laughing about good old Neal. My best friend Gabie came to sit with me. I don’t know how long she was there but she was there for a really long time. The thing I remember most is when everyone was leaving and I went back to the coffin to say bye and I just stood there for a pretty long time. My uncle Robin just came up and put his hand on my shoulder and said, “He’s not in there.”
I don’t remember the funeral at all.
Not one single thing except for that they played a song called “Daddy’s Hands”.
After we went out to the cemetery I left with my dad and I stayed out of school for a week or so. Even when I went back and people asked me where I was I just didn’t really say anything. I cried a lot for a really long time. And that’s okay.
I remember my first family Christmas without him we were about to open presents and I just went outside and sat on my porch for a really long time in my shorts and my long sleeve T-shirt. I don’t know how long I sat there. I was like freaking Bella Swan in New Moon. I just know my mom finally told me that I had to come inside. That’s not all he missed though…
While my big guy was out:
I turned 16.
Wrecked my first car.
Went to 3 proms.
Made my hair blonde.
Cut my hair (like you told me not to do).
Got a different car.
Fell in love a lot.
Turned 17.
Took my senior pictures.
Won some tennis games.
Lost a lot of tennis games.
Got accepted into my first choice school.
Fell out of love multiple times.
Made friends.
Lost friends.
Turned 18.
Graduated.
Moved out.
All of these people tell you when you lose someone, “Well the firsts without someone are the hardest.” I will never tell anyone that because when you stop and think about it WE’VE GOT A LIFE FULL OF FIRSTS AHEAD OF US.

My point is please just never be scared to love with all of your being. If I only learned one single thing from existing 18 years it’s this: People are worth it. I’m first in line to complain about people. It’s true. I know it. But let me just say that they really are. People are scary, and lovely, and destructive, and interesting, and just so different. Some people are horrible too and no I’m not asking you to remain oblivious to the fact that yes, you will also have to encounter those people too. I’m asking you to overlook that and not let a few people ruin billions of other people. Why? Because all of that BS the industry sells us about life being unexpectedly cut short and never knowing what day could be your last and carpe diem. WELL ITS TRUE. Cliche and worn out and tired sounding, but it’s just TRUE.
Wednesday at work the sweet lady that always comes in told me, “There aren’t many people like you. You’re really easy going and easy to talk to, you know?” I said, “I just love talking to people.” I meant it.
Thursday at work a man needed my help at the front desk and I did my best to help him out. He looked at me and said, “There aren’t many people like you left. The rest of these people are self centered a**holes.” I looked him in the eyes and said, “Well I refuse to be one of them.” I meant it.

I hope maybe now that I’ve gotten all of this off my chest someone will go out and embrace all the opportunities they have to stick out a helping hand to someone or just even remember to let someone know you love them.

XOXO,
NBNealie
For my big guy, 1948-2011.