Since 2012 I will have you know that I am still an avid Valentines day hater. BUT… With new and improved writing skills. So how about Round two of “The Valentines Day Blues” where I kill all of your V-Day bliss? Great. Let’s get started.

First thing is first:

We all know this is some major consumerist (and straight up genius) conspiracy invented to make us all spend too much money on candy that we look at all year long. Like seriously? M&Ms come in a pink bag for one month out of the year… Hold yourselves together ladies. I know nothing says “I love you” quite like over priced pastel versions of all the same candy you’ve been eating for the past 365 days, but you need to chill out.

Are we going to pretend these aren’t just regular Peeps?

Does any one even like the taste of these?

 

Second:

We might as well call this national double standard day. Like… Women want to be held to the same standard as men except for the one day a year when they want to be completely dazzled by some poor guy that’s just kind of doing his best because he doesn’t really even know what you want because you are a passive aggressive female that’s all “nothing”. (GUYS, “NOTHING” DOESN’T ACTUALLY MEAN NOTHING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED BY AN ACTUAL FEMALE. FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.) So yeah ladies, real nice, sounds super fair (jerks).

Third:

The sad fact of the matter is that dinner and a movie isn’t the end all be all of V-Day anymore because everyone has lost their minds and decided that the only way you can ever know if someone actually loves you is if they sky dive down from the sky with a flaming sign that says “I love you” and land gracefully next to a mountain of seven dozen roses. And don’t forget the pastel packaged candy.

Don’t be that girl okay… You are the cause of things like this… Stop.

 

Besides if I guy can pull this off it’s kind of a miracle…

Fourth:

You’re alone on Valentines day and it’s still a consumerist pastel candy land of literal hell. Why? Are you familiar with the words “Discount.”, “Valentines.”, or “Candy.”? Don’t bother answering. I already know. It’s true that we single ladies get the discount candy… We just don’t want to hear it! Our discount candy is not the same as your (stupid) dinner with your man, your (stupid) overpriced plushies,  and your (stupid) jewelry. (We don’t want the candy we want a man. Read it and weep single babes. I just said what we’re all thinking. BOOM.) And also just this once can we pity the single girl asking how your date was? We all know she is just giving you a courtesy ask and we all know this is the one night that guys go all out so it is completely fair to tone it down so that single lady doesn’t cry into her cruddy bag of candy. (I’ve got your back ladies.)

Get out of here with this.

Fifth:

You’re not alone on Valentines day and all the single people are V-Day hating all over the place. You really don’t have to play down your love of V-Day. It’s totally okay to be in love… Just remember that Valentines Day just so happens to be the day that most couples take a trip to splitzville, and drink your cheap wine responsibly. 😉

 

Sixth and last of all:

You’re not even sure where you stand with your “Maybe” Valentine. What are you supposed to get the person that you’re kind of sort of with? Wish I could help you friend, but I really don’t know and it’s probably time you have a talk so you don’t look stupid on V-Day either for getting them something or for not getting them something. Best of luck baby loves.

You are each a part of my heart and soul and you keep me going. Thanks a heap for being my Valentine!Lots of love from your favorite Valentine, the Queen of Xs and Os,

XOXO

NBNealie

P.S. I found the single worst Valentine ever. Never do this. Not even teachers want this. No one in their right mind wants this. If someone you know wants this you should be worried. Just… No…